Stephen Armica, SatiristSeptember 5, 2017Filed under Satire
President Donald Trumps recent pardon of former Sheriff Joe Arpaio has many shaking their heads in agony, wondering why this matters or celebrating along with David Duke. While the first two are appropriate, it must be understood by everyone what Joe Arpaio did to require a pardon.
Arpaio created a jail system based on racially profiling anyone with dark skin and an accent that matches the Speedy Gonzales training video he developed. These were not drug dealers, rapists and bad people, but often times regular people that just knew how to cook really good Tamales.
This jail system wasnt a normal one. They did not wait in a jail cell with continued access to food, water and a lawyer. They were living in tents in the backyard of the jail. This is Arizona. Not a mild September day in Michigan at your cousins house. Come on.
Trumps response to this was to call him a great American patriot. After that, I can only assume that Trump was playing monopoly while talking about his approval rating. I dont know, maybe he noticed the first card in his deck and just ran with it.
So after hours of trying to guess what Trumps reason for this could be, I developed the only possible solution: Joe Arpaio is a vampire! This may seem far-fetched but please hear me out.
Arpaio clearly requires blood to survive. According to Hispanic folklore, I think he is what is known as the Tlahuelpuchi. While I might not know how to pronounce that, I can tell you it sounds pretty sketchy.
According to the myth, one gains the curse by being responsible for the death of someone else with the curse. Do you know how many people died in Arpaios jails? According to one report, its about a quarter of all inmates in Arpaios jail that commit suicide. Thats not counting heat stroke, malnutrition, mistreatment or that one time they just beat the shit out of a pregnant woman.
So with those numbers, its not hard to catch the curse. But whats the only way to really know? By catching them in the act. The problem is that Count Arpaio wasnt caught. He was pardoned.
So Im telling America this in a way that might be more appealing. Trump didnt pardon a virulent racist that held the power to destroy innocent peoples lives. He let a vampire roam free to feed on human blood. Count Arpaio is on the prowl, folks.
Now that he hasnt been convicted of a felony, he can willingly run for public office and create a police state, where he can quench his dark bloodlust at whim.
The important journalistic question is, obviously, what white nationalists have to do with this thing. What about the protest on campus last year? Are they vampires? Do we have vampires on our campus? Is Oakland University a breeding ground for conservative vampires?! Oh my God, is everyone whos conservative a vampire?!!
When people wake up to this fact, theyre probably going to wonder why Trump would do this for a vampire or if hes a vampire like I am. For those answers, Ill explain when Ive researched more on this. In the meantime, wear garlic and a crucifix. Itll keep Arpaio away while I work on proving this whole thing.
See the original post here:
Joe Arpaio is a vampire that feeds on Mexicans (AKA Tlahuelpuchi) – Oaklandpostonline
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