Dear Amy: Two years ago (prior to the pandemic), my husband and I went on a cruise with longtime friends. They then asked us to join them again.
The date is approaching, and we are having a huge problem letting my sister know we are going. I know this is a first-world problem, but my sister is a widow and counts on us to provide her with all her socialization.
My husband has been a saint in making her a part of all our vacations, dinners out, etc., with no complaint. We have been married for 52 years and my sister has been widowed for 20 years. She is always complaining of how she is bored and feels no one does anything to provide her with things to do, or asking her to be part of vacations, dinner parties, etc.
We are at a loss on how to tell her we are leaving without her on this trip.
She is wealthy, we are not, but she has no one to go with her on adventures.
Past experiences when this has happened have been incredibly unpleasant. She becomes very depressed and will go for weeks without speaking to us.
It makes us feel guilty for going without her, but we also believe we are entitled to have our own life. There are many past familial issues with my mother who was mentally ill, leading to feelings of abandonment and guilt.
Is there any way we can tell her we are leaving for nine days without her feeling left out and abandoned?
We have considered offering to go with her on a trip of her choosing at Christmas, but we dont know how to approach the situation.
It is causing me (and my husband) much anxiety.
I actually vomit due to anxiety over this.
What can we do?
Guilty
Dear Guilty: Your sister is something of an emotional vampire, and your generosity toward her over the last 20 years has enabled her to control you to the extent that you and your husband have already determined that you wont be able to enjoy a wonderful vacation without her.
Thats how powerful and successful her training has been!
If you had established some reasonable boundaries years ago, your sister might have her own life by now.
There are many wonderful opportunities for guided travel available to solo travelers with the means and motivation.
If you dont have the backbone to tolerate your sisters tantrum, then you should just give in, stay home, and devote yourselves to her needs.
However, you might liberate yourselves from this control if you prepare yourselves for her reaction and simply choose not to be triggered by it this time.
You say, Were leaving for a cruise at the end of the month and will be gone for nine days. Were pretty excited and looking forward to it, and well see you when we return.
Do not offer her alternate vacations in order to appease her. That is just reinforcing behavior which you are seeking to change.
Dear Amy: My husband and I always have this disagreement whenever we go out for a meal.
Do you base your tip on the total amount (like I do) or before the tax (like my husband)? Please settle this for me!
Big tipper in NJ
Dear Tipper: Strictly speaking, if you tip on the total (including tax), then part of your tip is actually based on the tax itself not on services rendered.
However, I base my tip on the total, and then add some.
I do this because I once waited tables.
Also, because I can.
The U.S. Department of Labor publishes a table of minimum wages for tipped employees (which vary by state). Ask your husband to take a look at this chart (search on DOL.gov) and ask if shaving a few pennies off of a tip from these truly minimal hourly minimums is really worth it to him.
Dear Amy: I was disappointed by your response to Tired. This letter was written by a mom who didnt like it when her adult children kept bouncing back home for long or short stays.
You should have suggested that she give them jobs to do! At the very least, each visiting child should pay for/prepare one meal for the family.
Never an Empty Nest
Dear Never: I did suggest that Tired should set up some boundaries in terms of cooking and cleaning, but yes giving them specific jobs would be better.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
Originally posted here:
Ask Amy: Its time to stop this emotional vampires vacation tantrums - oregonlive.com
- At Least Three Women Were Infected With H.I.V. After 'Vampire Facials' - The New York Times - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire Facials Presumptively Linked to HIV Transmission - The Cut - May 1st, 2024
- Brad Pitt's 30-Year-Old Vampire Movie Was Originally A Female Story (You Won't Believe Who Almost Starred In It) - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- 'Abigail' Surpasses Universal's Last Two Vampire Films at the Box Office - Collider - May 1st, 2024
- NY Premiere of Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire" Season 2 - Clinton Herald - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' at unlicensed spa likely resulted in HIV infections: CDC - Fox News - May 1st, 2024
- CDC reports first cases of HIV transmission through cosmetic injection in women who received vampire facials - The Independent - May 1st, 2024
- Reginald The Vampire Season 2: Jacob Batalon Teases The Aftermath Of The Angel's Arrival In New Episodes - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- May 2024 TV preview: Hacks, Interview With The Vampire, Bridgerton, and 18 other shows to watch - The A.V. Club - May 1st, 2024
- Release schedule for all 8 episodes of Interview With The Vampire season 2 - Winter is Coming - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire Weekend - Only God Was Above Us - UNCUT - May 1st, 2024
- CDC: 3 women infected with HIV through vampire facials - FOX 26 Houston - May 1st, 2024
- Abigail review: Horror comedy heist thriller is one of best vampire films in years - UNILAD - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire Facial' Linked To 3 HIV Cases | WOC 1420 - iHeart - May 1st, 2024
- At Least 3 Women Contracted HIV After Getting "Vampire Facial" At Spa, US Health Body Finds - NDTV - May 1st, 2024
- What Is Vampire Facial, Procedure That Led To 3 US Women Contracting HIV - NDTV - May 1st, 2024
- 5 Cases of HIV Traced to Dirty 'Vampire Facials' in New Mexico - ScienceAlert - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire facials and the risk of HIV here's how to protect yourself - The Telegraph - May 1st, 2024
- "Vampire Facials" -And We Aint Talkin Taylor Lautner- Are Giving Spa-Goers Just A Dash of HIV According To The CDC - Barstool Sports - May 1st, 2024
- Women get HIV after getting 'vampire facial' done: All about it - The Times of India - May 1st, 2024
- What is vampire facial? 5 points on viral beauty trend that left 3 women infected with HIV - Hindustan Times - May 1st, 2024
- Every time I see him, he goes, 'Am I still a Vampire?': Alice Cooper on initiating Paul McCartney into Hollywood ... - Louder - May 1st, 2024
- Idea Was Better Than The Execution: Tom Cruise's $223M Vampire Movie Key Scene Candidly Reflected On By VFX ... - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 Mini-Teaser Spotlights Santiago - Bleeding Cool News - May 1st, 2024
- Everything Featured in the IGN x ID@Xbox Digital Showcase: Vampire Survivors, Jackbox Naughty Pack, Palworld - mxdwn.com - May 1st, 2024
- How 'vampire facials' infected three women with HIV - BBC - May 1st, 2024
- May's TV Releases, From 'Bridgerton' to 'Interview with the Vampire' - Collider - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' were linked to cases of HIV. Here's what to know about the beauty treatment - MSN - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' linked to HIV cases, CDC warning - AOL - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' likely infected 3 women with HIV. Here's what health experts want you to know about these beauty ... - Yahoo Life - May 1st, 2024
- Who Does Matt End Up With in The Vampire Diaries? - CBR - Comic Book Resources - April 21st, 2024
- Oregon Man Staked His Mother's Throat Believing She Was a Vampire [Horror IRL] - Dread Central - April 21st, 2024
- V Rising 1.0 will let you sip the blood of history's greatest vampire - PCGamesN - April 21st, 2024
- Mourning the Muse You've Never Met | Mary Boone by Vampire Weekend - Impact 89FM - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Directors Reveal the Method to Their Vampire Madness - Syfy - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' takes audiences on bloody vampire heist The Daily Texan - The Daily Texan - April 21st, 2024
- New Teaser For Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire Reveals 'Laws Of The Vampire' - Age Of The Nerd - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Review: The ballerina vampire film is on pointe, and its a blast - Fort Worth Report - April 21st, 2024
- Music Monday: Vampire Weekend's Fifth Studio Album, Only God Above Us Proves That The Band Was Not Just A ... - Cardinal & Cream - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Filmmakers Radio Silence on Their Genre-Hopping Vampire Thriller and Honoring Angus Clouds Final Performance - Variety - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Review: Dan Stevens and Melissa Barrera in an Exuberantly Over-the-Top Vampire Horror-Comedy - Hollywood Reporter - April 21st, 2024
- 'Interview With the Vampire' Season 2 Trailer Learn the Laws of the Undead - Collider - April 21st, 2024
- New Interview with the Vampire Teaser Shares the Laws of the Vampire - ComicBook.com - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' Review: This Ballerina Vampire Has the Perfect Bite - The Mary Sue - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 to Include 'Cool Twist' Not Seen in Original Books - CBR - Comic Book Resources - April 21st, 2024
- Review: New York City is Vampire Weekend's muse on 'Only God Was Above Us' - America: The Jesuit Review - April 21st, 2024
- Ikki Unite, the Feudal Japanese Vampire Survivors-like, Arrives on Switch and Steam - Co-Optimus.com - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' review: A vampire bloodbath with pools of sticky stuff - Detroit News - April 21st, 2024
- 'Blood Hunt' #5 Demands a Heavy Price to Bring Down the Vampire's Reign - Marvel - April 21st, 2024
- Vanpires Are Back: 17 Vampire Books to Read - The Everygirl - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire season 2 will be bigger, and include a huge twist that's not in the books - Gamesradar - April 21st, 2024
- A vampire ballerina and hired hitman hit the screens this weekend - WDIV ClickOnDetroit - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail's Directors Tell Us Why They Included The Vampire Ballerina Twist In The Movie's Marketing, But I Still Wish It ... - CinemaBlend - April 21st, 2024
- 'I get bored easily': Jacob Anderson reveals 'worries' about Interview with the Vampire season two - El Paso Inc. - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 Teaser Trailer Unveils the Laws of Being a Vampire - ComingSoon.net - April 21st, 2024
- 'I get bored easily': Jacob Anderson reveals 'worries' about Interview with the Vampire season two - Yahoo New Zealand News - April 21st, 2024
- Amazingly Accurate Real-Life BG3 Astarion Shows The Vampire Ready For Combat - Screen Rant - April 21st, 2024
- Interview With the Vampire Star Teases Teases Major Season 2 Twist - ComicBook.com - April 21st, 2024
- 32 astonishing ancient burials, from 'vampire' decapitations to riches for the afterlife - Livescience.com - April 21st, 2024
- Zendaya Becomes A Kick-Ass Buffy The Vampire Slayer In Photo-Realistic Art - Screen Rant - April 21st, 2024
- Nosferatu: First Footage Shows Off Bill Skarsgard as the Vampire - TheWrap - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend and Amber Coffman Cover Grateful Dead's Peggy-O - Pitchfork - April 12th, 2024
- Watch: Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre - jambands.com - April 12th, 2024
- Woman found dead in Italian church was dressed like vampire and looking for ghosts - Express - April 12th, 2024
- Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre (A Gallery + Recap) - Relix - April 12th, 2024
- A Guide to Vampire Weekend's Most Jewish Songs and Lyrics - Alma - April 12th, 2024
- Review: Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' sinks its teeth into nihilistic perspectives - Washington Square News - April 12th, 2024
- Watch Vampire Weekend Join Goose for a 31-Minute Redition of "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" | Exclaim! - Exclaim! - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend's Only God Was Above Us: Review - Consequence - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covers The Grateful Dead's 'Peggy-O' On SiriusXM - Digg - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covered Grateful Dead With Amber Coffman On SiriusXMU: Watch - Stereogum - April 12th, 2024
- Savannah Basley Co-Stars in SyFy's REGINALD THE VAMPIRE Season Two - BroadwayWorld - April 12th, 2024
- Review | Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' is sure to get stuck in your head - UI The Daily Iowan - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Contra Crossover DLC Will Come to PlayStation Later in the Summer - Push Square - April 12th, 2024
- OGWAU Is Vampire Weekend Keeping Things Fresh - HeadStuff.org - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors is Crossing Over With Contra - GameRant - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Headed to PS5 and PS4 This Summer - News - VGChartz - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors teams up with Contra for new DLC and fangs its way onto PlayStation consoles this summer - VG247 - April 12th, 2024
- The face of a 500-year-old vampire with a brick between her teeth - Metro.co.uk - March 24th, 2024
- Scientists recreate face of 16th-century vampire buried with brick inside mouth - WION - March 24th, 2024
Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero