Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by NBC
Either the words vampire au ao3 mean nothing to you or you are sick in the head. For the uninitiated, ao3 stands for Archive of Our Own, a very large virtual dumpster where people share their fan fiction. As with an actual dumpster, you can occasionally dive in to rummage for goodies, but only if youre brave and have little self-respect. Au stands for alternate universe, meaning fan fictions that dont limit themselves to the established facts of fictional worlds and their characters. Search vampire au ao3, and you get tens of thousands of what if? scenarios about beloved fictional characters and real-life boy-band members struck with vampirism. This automatically raises the stakes of literally any story: Characters have to resist temptation or succumb to it, hide their sexy magical secrets from the world or from one another, and grapple with the ennui of eternal life, all while touring in a K-pop group or fighting Thanos. These can be impossibly cringe (My Immortal) or really quite good. After all, what is Only Lovers Left Alive if not a Jim Jarmusch AU of his own body of work? Many, if not most, TV shows would be improved if they were about vampires instead of people. In honor of Vampire Week at Vulture, here are but some of those shows.
This works largely because sexuality on Succession operates in a similar way to sexuality in vampire stories: Its energy is transposed into other signifiers and interactions. Every character is libidinous and horny in everything they do, but theres little if any kissing and next to no sex. When a character makes romantic overtures to another think Tom to Shiv or Connor to Willa it feels wrong; perverse, even. Control is everything to a vampire and to a Roy, and the familys obscene wealth already allows them to operate with impunity to any mortal law and approach the rest of the world as their prey. Imagine the Roys as a coven of powerful vampires with Logan as their sire, not only leeching off the world in your standard-issue billionaire way but in a bloodsucking way too. The ruthlessness is there. Logans grooming Kendall to be a killer and Kendalls struggles with addiction fit all too snuggly into this setup. Is Greg a new vampire? A daywalker? Does Roman have an inverted setup in which his familiar Gerri is his domme? Does Tom slowly realize what he married into?
Frasier and Niles are already skulking creatures of the night. Aesthetes unstuck from time and bewildered by their own existence in an era that is wrong for them, the Crane brothers while away their weary nights at the opera or else the theatre, disconnected from real humans in the real world. They inhabit a rainy and overcast city (the better to go out in daylight, my dear), their wealth is vast and unexplained, and Niles lives in what appears to be a Gothic castle. Clearly, they were turned by vampire queens Lilith and Maris, and Frasier uses his centuries of life experience to give psychiatric advice on his radio show. I want to say their father is now a retired vampire hunter instead of an ex-cop, but that doesnt track with Frasier and Niles being former rococo princes or whatever. Well iron that part out. Imagine vampire Niless love for the innocent mortal Daphne Moon under these impossible circumstances. Imagine Frasier and Niles wearing 100 percent more capes.
The feats Olivia Pope accomplish are basically only possible if shes a vampire. She subsists on red wine (blood) and has been known to don a cape. Her dynamic with Fitz would be so much hotter. Cyrus can be an ancient, evil vampire trying to maintainDraculeanauthority in the White House through the puppet presidency of a mere mortal.Mellie, meanwhile, comes from a long and illustrious line of D.C.-area vampire hunters, and shes onto them. Kerry Washington is already the worlds best mouth actor; lets get some fangs in there.
Self-explanatory. Much like the way I choose to interpret Julia Ducournaus Raw as a coming-of-age vampire movie, cannibalism is immediately less ick when its vampire-on-human. Besides, Hannibal and Will already have an extremely DraculaandJonathan Harker relationship, by which we mean its for sure sexual, baby.
Hear me out. The draw of the show is already watching this cursed gang devolve over the years, doomed to feed off one another in their private purgatory on Earth, Paddys Pub. They never learn, they act solely on id and impulse, they wreak harm on everyone they interact with, and there is not a soul to be found among them. The Reynolds twins are the most overtly monstrous of the group, with Dennis often lapsing into genuinely scary territory. Charlie is somewhat feral and subterranean and half-rat, a self-professed nightcrawler. Rickety Cricket is their Renfield. Plenty of opportunities for new, fun schemes. This is how we keep the show going for fifteen more seasons.
Vampires and hospitals go together like health insurance and fuckery. Of course theres Carlisle Cullen, who uses his powers to give back to society as a doctor, and Jeffrey Wright as the blood guy in Only Lovers Left Alive. Thus Greys Anatomy is a natural fit to be vamp-ified. (Note: I stopped watching after they killed off my boy ****** way back in 2009, so my details may be a little off here.) In the early seasons, so much of the show follows doctors working long night shifts; even when its daytime, they hardly go outside. Main characters also die a lot (Seattle Grace/Mercy West must be the most dangerous workplace in America) chalk that up to the perilous lifestyle of vamps. They could nap in coffins instead of those little bunk bed rooms, and they could do other stuff in coffins too. What if Izzy Stevens turned Denny Duquette before his heart gave out? We would have been spared the ghost-sex plotline. Instead wed have a far better vampire-sex plotline. (Addison would obviously be the vampire queen dont get me started.)
What made The Real Housewives of New York such a tragicomic masterpiece is how it became a show about women of a certain age behaving in ways we rarely get to see explored on television. They are tangles of contradictions: vicious but pitiable, amoral but amusing, wealthy but utterly lacking in purpose or a role in the world. None of them are even housewives; they live alone in their high-rise tombs with only their familiars toy dogs, assistants, Sonja Morgans unpaid interns for company. But this past season was downright depressing and not particularly fun or good; it would have benefited greatly from being about a coven of vampiresses. The storylines about substance abuse would be spooky metaphors instead of bummer documentaries; Dorinda could get fangs; Luanns cabaret would be a vampire-nightlife hot spot. Just imagine how high the stakes would be when they lure unsuspecting men into their vacation homes.
I dont watch Bridgerton. Few things sound less appealing to me than a Maroon 5 song played on the viola. But if Bridgerton was about vampires boning in the 19th century, I would be its biggest fan.
Jessa turns Shosh and doesnt see how that was a total overstep. Literally nothing else about the show changes.
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Most Shows Would Be Better If They Were About Vampires - Vulture
- At Least Three Women Were Infected With H.I.V. After 'Vampire Facials' - The New York Times - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire Facials Presumptively Linked to HIV Transmission - The Cut - May 1st, 2024
- Brad Pitt's 30-Year-Old Vampire Movie Was Originally A Female Story (You Won't Believe Who Almost Starred In It) - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- 'Abigail' Surpasses Universal's Last Two Vampire Films at the Box Office - Collider - May 1st, 2024
- NY Premiere of Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire" Season 2 - Clinton Herald - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' at unlicensed spa likely resulted in HIV infections: CDC - Fox News - May 1st, 2024
- CDC reports first cases of HIV transmission through cosmetic injection in women who received vampire facials - The Independent - May 1st, 2024
- Reginald The Vampire Season 2: Jacob Batalon Teases The Aftermath Of The Angel's Arrival In New Episodes - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- May 2024 TV preview: Hacks, Interview With The Vampire, Bridgerton, and 18 other shows to watch - The A.V. Club - May 1st, 2024
- Release schedule for all 8 episodes of Interview With The Vampire season 2 - Winter is Coming - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire Weekend - Only God Was Above Us - UNCUT - May 1st, 2024
- CDC: 3 women infected with HIV through vampire facials - FOX 26 Houston - May 1st, 2024
- Abigail review: Horror comedy heist thriller is one of best vampire films in years - UNILAD - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire Facial' Linked To 3 HIV Cases | WOC 1420 - iHeart - May 1st, 2024
- At Least 3 Women Contracted HIV After Getting "Vampire Facial" At Spa, US Health Body Finds - NDTV - May 1st, 2024
- What Is Vampire Facial, Procedure That Led To 3 US Women Contracting HIV - NDTV - May 1st, 2024
- 5 Cases of HIV Traced to Dirty 'Vampire Facials' in New Mexico - ScienceAlert - May 1st, 2024
- Vampire facials and the risk of HIV here's how to protect yourself - The Telegraph - May 1st, 2024
- "Vampire Facials" -And We Aint Talkin Taylor Lautner- Are Giving Spa-Goers Just A Dash of HIV According To The CDC - Barstool Sports - May 1st, 2024
- Women get HIV after getting 'vampire facial' done: All about it - The Times of India - May 1st, 2024
- What is vampire facial? 5 points on viral beauty trend that left 3 women infected with HIV - Hindustan Times - May 1st, 2024
- Every time I see him, he goes, 'Am I still a Vampire?': Alice Cooper on initiating Paul McCartney into Hollywood ... - Louder - May 1st, 2024
- Idea Was Better Than The Execution: Tom Cruise's $223M Vampire Movie Key Scene Candidly Reflected On By VFX ... - Screen Rant - May 1st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 Mini-Teaser Spotlights Santiago - Bleeding Cool News - May 1st, 2024
- Everything Featured in the IGN x ID@Xbox Digital Showcase: Vampire Survivors, Jackbox Naughty Pack, Palworld - mxdwn.com - May 1st, 2024
- How 'vampire facials' infected three women with HIV - BBC - May 1st, 2024
- May's TV Releases, From 'Bridgerton' to 'Interview with the Vampire' - Collider - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' were linked to cases of HIV. Here's what to know about the beauty treatment - MSN - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' linked to HIV cases, CDC warning - AOL - May 1st, 2024
- 'Vampire facials' likely infected 3 women with HIV. Here's what health experts want you to know about these beauty ... - Yahoo Life - May 1st, 2024
- Who Does Matt End Up With in The Vampire Diaries? - CBR - Comic Book Resources - April 21st, 2024
- Oregon Man Staked His Mother's Throat Believing She Was a Vampire [Horror IRL] - Dread Central - April 21st, 2024
- V Rising 1.0 will let you sip the blood of history's greatest vampire - PCGamesN - April 21st, 2024
- Mourning the Muse You've Never Met | Mary Boone by Vampire Weekend - Impact 89FM - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Directors Reveal the Method to Their Vampire Madness - Syfy - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' takes audiences on bloody vampire heist The Daily Texan - The Daily Texan - April 21st, 2024
- New Teaser For Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire Reveals 'Laws Of The Vampire' - Age Of The Nerd - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Review: The ballerina vampire film is on pointe, and its a blast - Fort Worth Report - April 21st, 2024
- Music Monday: Vampire Weekend's Fifth Studio Album, Only God Above Us Proves That The Band Was Not Just A ... - Cardinal & Cream - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Filmmakers Radio Silence on Their Genre-Hopping Vampire Thriller and Honoring Angus Clouds Final Performance - Variety - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail Review: Dan Stevens and Melissa Barrera in an Exuberantly Over-the-Top Vampire Horror-Comedy - Hollywood Reporter - April 21st, 2024
- 'Interview With the Vampire' Season 2 Trailer Learn the Laws of the Undead - Collider - April 21st, 2024
- New Interview with the Vampire Teaser Shares the Laws of the Vampire - ComicBook.com - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' Review: This Ballerina Vampire Has the Perfect Bite - The Mary Sue - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 to Include 'Cool Twist' Not Seen in Original Books - CBR - Comic Book Resources - April 21st, 2024
- Review: New York City is Vampire Weekend's muse on 'Only God Was Above Us' - America: The Jesuit Review - April 21st, 2024
- Ikki Unite, the Feudal Japanese Vampire Survivors-like, Arrives on Switch and Steam - Co-Optimus.com - April 21st, 2024
- 'Abigail' review: A vampire bloodbath with pools of sticky stuff - Detroit News - April 21st, 2024
- 'Blood Hunt' #5 Demands a Heavy Price to Bring Down the Vampire's Reign - Marvel - April 21st, 2024
- Vanpires Are Back: 17 Vampire Books to Read - The Everygirl - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire season 2 will be bigger, and include a huge twist that's not in the books - Gamesradar - April 21st, 2024
- A vampire ballerina and hired hitman hit the screens this weekend - WDIV ClickOnDetroit - April 21st, 2024
- Abigail's Directors Tell Us Why They Included The Vampire Ballerina Twist In The Movie's Marketing, But I Still Wish It ... - CinemaBlend - April 21st, 2024
- 'I get bored easily': Jacob Anderson reveals 'worries' about Interview with the Vampire season two - El Paso Inc. - April 21st, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 Teaser Trailer Unveils the Laws of Being a Vampire - ComingSoon.net - April 21st, 2024
- 'I get bored easily': Jacob Anderson reveals 'worries' about Interview with the Vampire season two - Yahoo New Zealand News - April 21st, 2024
- Amazingly Accurate Real-Life BG3 Astarion Shows The Vampire Ready For Combat - Screen Rant - April 21st, 2024
- Interview With the Vampire Star Teases Teases Major Season 2 Twist - ComicBook.com - April 21st, 2024
- 32 astonishing ancient burials, from 'vampire' decapitations to riches for the afterlife - Livescience.com - April 21st, 2024
- Zendaya Becomes A Kick-Ass Buffy The Vampire Slayer In Photo-Realistic Art - Screen Rant - April 21st, 2024
- Nosferatu: First Footage Shows Off Bill Skarsgard as the Vampire - TheWrap - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend and Amber Coffman Cover Grateful Dead's Peggy-O - Pitchfork - April 12th, 2024
- Watch: Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre - jambands.com - April 12th, 2024
- Woman found dead in Italian church was dressed like vampire and looking for ghosts - Express - April 12th, 2024
- Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre (A Gallery + Recap) - Relix - April 12th, 2024
- A Guide to Vampire Weekend's Most Jewish Songs and Lyrics - Alma - April 12th, 2024
- Review: Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' sinks its teeth into nihilistic perspectives - Washington Square News - April 12th, 2024
- Watch Vampire Weekend Join Goose for a 31-Minute Redition of "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" | Exclaim! - Exclaim! - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend's Only God Was Above Us: Review - Consequence - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covers The Grateful Dead's 'Peggy-O' On SiriusXM - Digg - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covered Grateful Dead With Amber Coffman On SiriusXMU: Watch - Stereogum - April 12th, 2024
- Savannah Basley Co-Stars in SyFy's REGINALD THE VAMPIRE Season Two - BroadwayWorld - April 12th, 2024
- Review | Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' is sure to get stuck in your head - UI The Daily Iowan - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Contra Crossover DLC Will Come to PlayStation Later in the Summer - Push Square - April 12th, 2024
- OGWAU Is Vampire Weekend Keeping Things Fresh - HeadStuff.org - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors is Crossing Over With Contra - GameRant - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Headed to PS5 and PS4 This Summer - News - VGChartz - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors teams up with Contra for new DLC and fangs its way onto PlayStation consoles this summer - VG247 - April 12th, 2024
- The face of a 500-year-old vampire with a brick between her teeth - Metro.co.uk - March 24th, 2024
- Scientists recreate face of 16th-century vampire buried with brick inside mouth - WION - March 24th, 2024
Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero