Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by NBC
Either the words vampire au ao3 mean nothing to you or you are sick in the head. For the uninitiated, ao3 stands for Archive of Our Own, a very large virtual dumpster where people share their fan fiction. As with an actual dumpster, you can occasionally dive in to rummage for goodies, but only if youre brave and have little self-respect. Au stands for alternate universe, meaning fan fictions that dont limit themselves to the established facts of fictional worlds and their characters. Search vampire au ao3, and you get tens of thousands of what if? scenarios about beloved fictional characters and real-life boy-band members struck with vampirism. This automatically raises the stakes of literally any story: Characters have to resist temptation or succumb to it, hide their sexy magical secrets from the world or from one another, and grapple with the ennui of eternal life, all while touring in a K-pop group or fighting Thanos. These can be impossibly cringe (My Immortal) or really quite good. After all, what is Only Lovers Left Alive if not a Jim Jarmusch AU of his own body of work? Many, if not most, TV shows would be improved if they were about vampires instead of people. In honor of Vampire Week at Vulture, here are but some of those shows.
This works largely because sexuality on Succession operates in a similar way to sexuality in vampire stories: Its energy is transposed into other signifiers and interactions. Every character is libidinous and horny in everything they do, but theres little if any kissing and next to no sex. When a character makes romantic overtures to another think Tom to Shiv or Connor to Willa it feels wrong; perverse, even. Control is everything to a vampire and to a Roy, and the familys obscene wealth already allows them to operate with impunity to any mortal law and approach the rest of the world as their prey. Imagine the Roys as a coven of powerful vampires with Logan as their sire, not only leeching off the world in your standard-issue billionaire way but in a bloodsucking way too. The ruthlessness is there. Logans grooming Kendall to be a killer and Kendalls struggles with addiction fit all too snuggly into this setup. Is Greg a new vampire? A daywalker? Does Roman have an inverted setup in which his familiar Gerri is his domme? Does Tom slowly realize what he married into?
Frasier and Niles are already skulking creatures of the night. Aesthetes unstuck from time and bewildered by their own existence in an era that is wrong for them, the Crane brothers while away their weary nights at the opera or else the theatre, disconnected from real humans in the real world. They inhabit a rainy and overcast city (the better to go out in daylight, my dear), their wealth is vast and unexplained, and Niles lives in what appears to be a Gothic castle. Clearly, they were turned by vampire queens Lilith and Maris, and Frasier uses his centuries of life experience to give psychiatric advice on his radio show. I want to say their father is now a retired vampire hunter instead of an ex-cop, but that doesnt track with Frasier and Niles being former rococo princes or whatever. Well iron that part out. Imagine vampire Niless love for the innocent mortal Daphne Moon under these impossible circumstances. Imagine Frasier and Niles wearing 100 percent more capes.
The feats Olivia Pope accomplish are basically only possible if shes a vampire. She subsists on red wine (blood) and has been known to don a cape. Her dynamic with Fitz would be so much hotter. Cyrus can be an ancient, evil vampire trying to maintainDraculeanauthority in the White House through the puppet presidency of a mere mortal.Mellie, meanwhile, comes from a long and illustrious line of D.C.-area vampire hunters, and shes onto them. Kerry Washington is already the worlds best mouth actor; lets get some fangs in there.
Self-explanatory. Much like the way I choose to interpret Julia Ducournaus Raw as a coming-of-age vampire movie, cannibalism is immediately less ick when its vampire-on-human. Besides, Hannibal and Will already have an extremely DraculaandJonathan Harker relationship, by which we mean its for sure sexual, baby.
Hear me out. The draw of the show is already watching this cursed gang devolve over the years, doomed to feed off one another in their private purgatory on Earth, Paddys Pub. They never learn, they act solely on id and impulse, they wreak harm on everyone they interact with, and there is not a soul to be found among them. The Reynolds twins are the most overtly monstrous of the group, with Dennis often lapsing into genuinely scary territory. Charlie is somewhat feral and subterranean and half-rat, a self-professed nightcrawler. Rickety Cricket is their Renfield. Plenty of opportunities for new, fun schemes. This is how we keep the show going for fifteen more seasons.
Vampires and hospitals go together like health insurance and fuckery. Of course theres Carlisle Cullen, who uses his powers to give back to society as a doctor, and Jeffrey Wright as the blood guy in Only Lovers Left Alive. Thus Greys Anatomy is a natural fit to be vamp-ified. (Note: I stopped watching after they killed off my boy ****** way back in 2009, so my details may be a little off here.) In the early seasons, so much of the show follows doctors working long night shifts; even when its daytime, they hardly go outside. Main characters also die a lot (Seattle Grace/Mercy West must be the most dangerous workplace in America) chalk that up to the perilous lifestyle of vamps. They could nap in coffins instead of those little bunk bed rooms, and they could do other stuff in coffins too. What if Izzy Stevens turned Denny Duquette before his heart gave out? We would have been spared the ghost-sex plotline. Instead wed have a far better vampire-sex plotline. (Addison would obviously be the vampire queen dont get me started.)
What made The Real Housewives of New York such a tragicomic masterpiece is how it became a show about women of a certain age behaving in ways we rarely get to see explored on television. They are tangles of contradictions: vicious but pitiable, amoral but amusing, wealthy but utterly lacking in purpose or a role in the world. None of them are even housewives; they live alone in their high-rise tombs with only their familiars toy dogs, assistants, Sonja Morgans unpaid interns for company. But this past season was downright depressing and not particularly fun or good; it would have benefited greatly from being about a coven of vampiresses. The storylines about substance abuse would be spooky metaphors instead of bummer documentaries; Dorinda could get fangs; Luanns cabaret would be a vampire-nightlife hot spot. Just imagine how high the stakes would be when they lure unsuspecting men into their vacation homes.
I dont watch Bridgerton. Few things sound less appealing to me than a Maroon 5 song played on the viola. But if Bridgerton was about vampires boning in the 19th century, I would be its biggest fan.
Jessa turns Shosh and doesnt see how that was a total overstep. Literally nothing else about the show changes.
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Most Shows Would Be Better If They Were About Vampires - Vulture
- Nosferatu: First Footage Shows Off Bill Skarsgard as the Vampire - TheWrap - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend and Amber Coffman Cover Grateful Dead's Peggy-O - Pitchfork - April 12th, 2024
- Watch: Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre - jambands.com - April 12th, 2024
- Woman found dead in Italian church was dressed like vampire and looking for ghosts - Express - April 12th, 2024
- Goose Welcome Vampire Weekend for Half-Hour Jam on Night Four at The Capitol Theatre (A Gallery + Recap) - Relix - April 12th, 2024
- A Guide to Vampire Weekend's Most Jewish Songs and Lyrics - Alma - April 12th, 2024
- Review: Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' sinks its teeth into nihilistic perspectives - Washington Square News - April 12th, 2024
- Watch Vampire Weekend Join Goose for a 31-Minute Redition of "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" | Exclaim! - Exclaim! - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend's Only God Was Above Us: Review - Consequence - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covers The Grateful Dead's 'Peggy-O' On SiriusXM - Digg - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Covered Grateful Dead With Amber Coffman On SiriusXMU: Watch - Stereogum - April 12th, 2024
- Savannah Basley Co-Stars in SyFy's REGINALD THE VAMPIRE Season Two - BroadwayWorld - April 12th, 2024
- Review | Vampire Weekend's 'Only God Was Above Us' is sure to get stuck in your head - UI The Daily Iowan - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Contra Crossover DLC Will Come to PlayStation Later in the Summer - Push Square - April 12th, 2024
- OGWAU Is Vampire Weekend Keeping Things Fresh - HeadStuff.org - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors is Crossing Over With Contra - GameRant - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors Headed to PS5 and PS4 This Summer - News - VGChartz - April 12th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors teams up with Contra for new DLC and fangs its way onto PlayStation consoles this summer - VG247 - April 12th, 2024
- The face of a 500-year-old vampire with a brick between her teeth - Metro.co.uk - March 24th, 2024
- Scientists recreate face of 16th-century vampire buried with brick inside mouth - WION - March 24th, 2024
- Montreal daily apologizes following backlash over Netanyahu vampire cartoon - The Times of Israel - March 24th, 2024
- This Major Aspect of 'Interview with the Vampire' Makes It Better Than the Movie - Collider - March 24th, 2024
- Stare Into the Screen Not the Sun: Vampire Weekend to Livestream Special Solar Eclipse Show - Rolling Stone - March 24th, 2024
- Vampire Dormitory Anime Cast to Cover Every Little Thing Song for Ending Theme - Crunchyroll - March 24th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend will livestream Austin eclipse show - Brooklyn Vegan - March 24th, 2024
- 10 Essential 80s Vampire Movies You Might Have Missed - Flickering Myth - March 24th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend, Slightly Stoopid, Portugal. The Man, and more shows announced at Dillon Amphitheater (so far) - Summit Daily - March 24th, 2024
- 'Interview With the Vampire': Meet the Real Armand With Assad Zaman (VIDEO) - TV Insider - March 24th, 2024
- Xbox Game Pass gets cowboy vampire-slayer classic today, just in time for weekend - ReadWrite - March 24th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Tease Punky, Jammy New Offshoot With An Imaginary Backstory - Stereogum - March 24th, 2024
- The GLAAD Wrap: Trailers for The Acolyte and Interview with the Vampire, New Music from Xana, Anglica Garcia ... - GLAAD - March 24th, 2024
- Interview With the Vampire Season 2 Will Unlock Deeply Hidden Memories - Gizmodo - March 24th, 2024
- Netanyahu caricatured as vampire in Canadian newspaper: 'Every Jew understands the meaning' - Ynetnews - March 24th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend tease a new offshoot project with an "imaginary back story" - NME - March 24th, 2024
- Scientists Reconstruct Face Of 16th Century 'Vampire Woman' Buried With Brick In Mouth - Study Finds - March 24th, 2024
- Here's a haunting, beautiful Interview With The Vampire season 2 trailer - The A.V. Club - March 24th, 2024
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Most Important Moment Features One Word - Den of Geek - March 24th, 2024
- TV Shows Like 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' That'll Suck You In - The Lineup - March 24th, 2024
- Remember When Pedro Pascal Was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? - Remezcla - March 24th, 2024
- Interview With The Vampire Season 2 Goes Bigger Than Ever, See The Extended Look Into Fan-Favorite Series Return - Giant Freakin Robot - March 24th, 2024
- Fury Over Antisemitic Canadian Newspaper Cartoon Depicting Netanyahu as Blood-Sucking Vampire - Algemeiner - March 24th, 2024
- INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: Memory Is The Monster In Stunning Extended Season 2 Trailer INTERVIEW WITH ... - CBM (Comic Book Movie) - March 24th, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire Season 2 Extended Look: Memory Is Monster - Bleeding Cool News - March 24th, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire trailer season 2 trailer is brimming with queer lust and the return of Lestat - Gay Times Magazine - March 24th, 2024
- Everything we're obsessed with in the new 'Interview With the Vampire' trailer - Pride.com - March 24th, 2024
- Pedro Pascal Was Saved By Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Giant Freakin Robot - March 24th, 2024
- AMC reveals an extended look at Interview with the Vampire Season 2 - Claire and Jamie - March 24th, 2024
- "Interview with the Vampire" Season 2 Trailer Previews the Return of AMC's Anne Rice Series on May 12 - Bloody Disgusting - March 24th, 2024
- Scream directors explain how their new vampire horror movie fits into the Universal Monsters universe, and share ... - Gamesradar - March 16th, 2024
- 'Blood Hunt' Connecting Cover Holds the Line Against the Vampire Armies - Marvel.com - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Therapist - Official Distortions Trailer - IGN - March 16th, 2024
- How Mel Brooks and Twilight inspired a vampire visual novel mixing funny with therapy - Rock Paper Shotgun - March 16th, 2024
- Game Theory: Yes, please, bring on the Vampire Survivors clones - The A.V. Club - March 16th, 2024
- Son 'stabs dead his mum he believed was a vampire biting him at night' - Metro.co.uk - March 16th, 2024
- Man accused of killing mother in Siletz believed she was a vampire - KOIN.com - March 16th, 2024
- 11 Best Songs of the Week: Ride, Vampire Weekend, Drahla, Waxahatchee, and More - Under the Radar Mag - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend Give Upbeat History Lesson About Cruelty Through the Ages on New Song Classical - Rolling Stone - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Therapist - Counsel the undead and help them rest in peace - ReadWrite - March 16th, 2024
- Watch: Vampire Weekend Share Classical, Third Preview Single from 'Only God Was Above Us' - Relix - March 16th, 2024
- Oregon man claims mom was vampire before he's alleged to have killed her - Toronto Sun - March 16th, 2024
- Court docs: Man accused of killing elderly mother in Siletz believed she was a vampire - Fox 12 Oregon - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend present the orchestral single, "Classical" - The Line of Best Fit - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend releases new song & video from upcoming album, 'Only God Was Above' 105.7 The Point - 105.7 The Point - March 16th, 2024
- The 'Vampire Survivors' soundtrack is coming to vinyl this month - NME - March 16th, 2024
- Blood Hunters #2 introduces an all-new vampire hunter and shows what happens when vampires drink the Hulk's blood - Gamesradar - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire survival game V Rising sinks its teeth into a full-blooded 1.0 release this May - Rock Paper Shotgun - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend have released a new album cut, 'Classical' - Dork Magazine - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Survival Game V Rising Is Leaving Early Access On May 8th - MMORPG.com - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Therapist Releases New Distortions Trailer - Bleeding Cool News - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Survival Game V Rising Launches Into 1.0 This May Before It Hits PS5 Later This Year - Game Informer - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Weekend glance at the cruelty of history on Classical - Beats Per Minute - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Horror Abigail Is 'Very R-Rated', Says Tyler Gillett: 'We Want The Blood To Stick To You' - Empire - March 16th, 2024
- After 2 years, this vampire anime based on one of our favorite manga is getting the second season it deserves - Gamesradar - March 16th, 2024
- Man brutally kills mother, believing she is a vampire - The News International - March 16th, 2024
- Vampire Survivors is the next Nintendo Switch Online Game Trial in Europe - Nintendo Everything - March 16th, 2024
- Interview with the Vampire stars tease "fierce" and "feisty" season 2 - Gay Times Magazine - March 16th, 2024
- New action RPG combines the best of Diablo and Vampire Survivors - PCGamesN - March 16th, 2024
- 'Your vampire ball is over' Putin to Western elites - azrbaycan24 - March 16th, 2024
- 8 Interview With The Vampire Book Moments We Can't Wait To See In Season 2 - Screen Rant - March 8th, 2024
- Inside Ukraines terrifying Vampire drones unit striking fear into Russian troops who liken them to chi... - The Sun - March 8th, 2024
Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero