Dracula drained the lifeblood out of viewers pushing BBCs woke agenda – The Sun

NEVER got Dracula, or any of the cape-flapping nonsense that went with him.

For starters, I couldnt work out what he was. Man or bat?

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Or why anyone would be dumb enough to get sucked into his orbit, let alone get bitten on the neck when the arthritic old creep must have had a prostate gland like Miley Cyruss wrecking ball.

And thats before we even get to the obsessive fans, who are far too into the dressing-up box games for anyones comfort.

So, emphatically, I am not the person to give a fair hearing to last weeks BBC1 Dracula trilogy, starring Claes Bang in the role played by Christopher Lee and immortalised by Ted Hankey.

Nevertheless...

A bit to my surprise, I found myself getting drawn in by the first episode, on Wednesday.

It had suspense, brilliant production values and a funny script, which was hardly surprising given the writers, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat, had borrowed some of its best lines from Beverly Hills Cop, Crowded House and even Some Like It Hot.

Youre a monster.

Youre a lawyer. Nobodys perfect.

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Above all, Dracula seemed to prove that, if it had the talent, the BBC could actually make a drama without belly-aching about the British empire, homophobia, racism, misogyny and international capitalism.

It still does prove it, in fact.

However, not long after the Count emerged starkers from inside a wolf, outside a nunnery, something odd happened.

Dracula lost it and instead of being enjoyable, it turned into an interactive viewing experience, with the very lifeblood draining out of me the more I sat and watched.

Part of the problem was that it began to get lost in those vampire health and safety rules which always make it sound more like a Romanian version of Gardeners World: Bed down in a light Transylvanian soil, store in a cool dark place and avoid direct sunlight.

The overriding issue, though, was that it all just went on too bloody long.

It wasnt helped, of course, that halfway through the first episode, when it began to stutter, I knew there were still well over three hours and another couple of episodes to go.

But whaddayaknow?

Exactly the same thing happened, both nights. Dracula had me, then it lost me.

First of those episodes was a boat-based re-hash of the 1972 Peter Cushing classic Horror Express, with all the accompanying cliches: Im telling you this ship is cursed.

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While the finale was set in contemporary England and got far too bogged down in the subject of physical beauty, which wouldve worked a lot better if the actress playing Lucy Westenra, Lydia West, had been as beautiful as everyone kept insisting.

Viewing became a real chore, yet I kept at it, right until the death, for three good reasons. One. Professional duty (youre welcome). Two. The outstanding Dolly Wells, as Sister Agatha Van Helsing, who stole every scene from Claes Bang, whod pitched his Count in that grey area between Steven Seagal and Engelbert Humperdinck.

And three, the vain hope that, after so much unedited self-indulgence, it might have a good ending.

It didnt. Dracula just came to an abrupt halt, with the actual moment to bail out being his sodden arrival on Whitby beach, at the start of episode three, when he asked: How long have I been in the water?

123 years. Is that all?

It felt much longer. A pity.

Great Sporting Insights

MATT Le Tissier: Have West Ham players improved? Yes, probably not.

Clinton Morrison: If Im not being myself, Id be being someone different.

And Worlds Strongest Man commentator Danny Wallace: Brian Shaw, unshakeable at this moment. Apart from the slight shakes.

(Compiled by Graham Wray).

GOOD Morning Britain, hospitalised MP Emily Thornberry: I ended up in A&E and some very sweet person came up and said, Oh, its Emily Thornberry.

You look ever so much prettier in real life than you do on telly.

The eye hospital, right?

Great TV lies and delusions of the week

DANCING On Ice, Holly Willoughby: Theres a lot more to look forward to on ITV, including the brilliant Masked Singer.

The Greatest Dancer, Todrick Hall: I dont really want to drop any names, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande...

Good Morning Britain, Emily Thornberry: The General Election wasnt a General Election.

Yeah, it wasnt a General Election and Labour didnt get its biggest pumping since Hamilton Accies last made the Scottish Cup Final.

NUUURSE!

A NEW Years Day kick in the plums as Joel Dommett tells our Bizarre TV column: Each year I think Im not going to work again.

Then something comes up.

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Hell, doesnt it just.

A Wicker Man karaoke horror, in this instance, called The Masked Singer, where four ITV spare parts Jonathan Ross, Rita Ora, Davina McCall and American irritant Ken Jeong have to try to identify a heavily disguised singer without raising expectations too high.

Because you and I both know its far more likely to be Arg or Piers, in the fat monster suit, than Stevie Wonder.

All the Celebrity Detectives and audience have to go on, though, is their singing voice and some pretty cryptic clues offered up by a pre-song VT.

Ive got these large arms cos Ive come to grab every opportunity.

More often than not Im most active at night.

Harvey Weinstein? Ted Bundy?

And, yeah, I know hes dead, but it cant be a longer shot than some of the suggestions the panel offered up to host Joel, which included: Miles Davis, Margot Robbie, Sir Ian McKellen, Ray Winstone and Helen Mirren.

The reality of this aberration, though, is that, after nearly 90 minutes of teasing, the Butterfly is eliminated, the studio crowd chants Take it off, take it off, take it off, a giant insect head is removed to reveal...Patsy Palmer.

And, as one, several million viewers chant back: Put it on, put it on, put it on.

If theres a more demented show this year, emigrate.

Filing their own crits (Part 1,793)

Kelly Brook to The Sun TV Mag: When I was approached to do Midsomer Murders it was a no-brainer.

FIVE series into SAS: Who Dares Wins, Ant Middleton and the boys have hit generation snowflake and the culture clash is a wonder to behold.

On one side, five special forces veterans (if you include Jay Morton, the mole), with about 50 years of elite service between them, who are in love with the brutal surroundings of the Western Isles of Scotland, homeland of the SAS.

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On the other, gym-bunny civilians like 21-year-old Amos, who claims: My self-belief wavers. Some days Im untouchable. On other days...

Hes flapping around, like the last haddock on Peterhead harbour, while Ant screams: Is he having a f***ing laugh? Leave him. Hes not drowning.

Hes not taking any further part in the series either. Nor is builder Korey, who began whimpering with the cold before theyd even reached base camp.

One thing generation snowflake can do, though, is talk about themselves.

A Zen master of the art is Jerrome, who describes himself as: A spirit wrapped in clay called a human being, like hes Tony Harts mate, Morph.

Another is Alpha female Kirsty who, probably for the first time in her adult life, is encountering men who wont put up with the fact she can talk for hours without saying anything, just because shes beautiful.

They were already grinding their teeth with frustration when Kirsty dropped the J-word, before she pushed them too far with a fitness boast.

Theres something inside me that wants to go on a journey and discover, you know, what my capabilities are and if I have any limitations, cos I train at a high level at CrossFit and...

F***ING BORING. GUAAAAARD!

Outstanding television. (Channel 4, Sunday, 9pm)

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CASH Trapped, Bradley Walsh: The Brooklyn Bridge links Brooklyn with which other New York district?

Dan: Los Angeles.

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: Which spread made from brewers yeast was launched in the 1920s as an Australian alternative to Marmite?

Ryan: Butter.

Celebrity Mastermind, John Humphrys: A large chain of coffee shops is named after the first mate in the novel Moby Dick.

Whats his name? Paul Chuckle: Kenco.

And of course, John Humphrys: The 2019 book No One Is Too Small To Make A Difference is a collection of speeches made by which Swedish climate-change activist?

Amanda Henderson: Sharon.

Second best Celebrity Mastermind answer of the week

JOHN Humphrys: A cob is the male and a pen is the female of what bird?

Levi Roots: A tit?

Yes and no.

SAS: Who Dares Wins contestants who cant swim.

Last Leg guest Sue Perkins claiming her highlight of the decade was the rise of grassroots activism. (Youre meant to be a comedian).

Dancing On Ice host Holly Willoughby announcing Michael Barrymores replacement Radzi Chinyanganya has been thrown in the deep end. (Let it go, woman).

The shows same-sex couple receiving the biggest avalanche of virtue-signalling since records began.

And This Mornings Ruth Langsford seriously asking Gemma Collins former partner Matt Evers if: Doing the lift is slightly different with a male partner?

Yeah, well, its different in as much as its now possible without a forklift truck, Ruth.

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Dracula drained the lifeblood out of viewers pushing BBCs woke agenda - The Sun