Joe Blundo: So to Speak | Try as they might, this Senate just cant convict – The Columbus Dispatch

Who else would the Senate acquit?

Based on its judgment in the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, lets imagine how the worlds greatest deliberative body would decide the cases of these fantasy chief executives:

President Big Bad Wolf

The U.S. Senate voted today to acquit President Big Bad Wolf, who had been impeached by the House for attacks that destroyed the homes of the first and second little pigs.

Republican Sen. Rob Portman of Ohio said Wolfs behavior, while inappropriate, was not severe enough to warrant removal from office.

While I wish that President Wolf had gone to less-extreme lengths to get a ham sandwich, I dont feel that the Founding Fathers intended for presidents to be removed from office just for destroying a couple of houses and devouring the inhabitants.

Sen. Susan Collins, a Maine Republican who also voted for acquittal, said she is confident that the wolf, a career carnivore, has learned his lesson.

His staff tells me he might even stop dismembering farm animals in the Oval Office and just call GrubHub when he gets hungry, Collins said.

President Dracula

The U.S. Senate voted today to acquit President Dracula, ending an impeachment trial that saw him accused of biting the necks of women and drinking their blood on midnight forays.

The outcome was expected, as Senate Republicans lined up to support their leader. Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina had even taken to sleeping in a coffin to signal his solidarity with the president.

Presidential lawyer Alan Dershowitz argued during the Senate trial that if a president genuinely believes it is in the public interest for him to sip the blood of unsuspecting citizens, then his actions are not a crime.

I applaud the Senate for preserving this important constitutional principle, Dershowitz said.

The verdict is expected for further erode Draculas support among women. Online site amazon.com has been reporting record sales of garlic necklaces and wooden stakes since the trial began.

President Palpatine

The U.S. Senate voted today to acquit President Palpatine, who was impeached for subverting democracy and declaring himself emperor of the galaxy.

The Senate trial ended abruptly after Republicans defeated a Democratic effort to call witnesses, including Luke Skywalker, Rey and Yoda.

Witness testimony would have just prolonged this solemn legal proceeding by introducing evidence, said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. I cannot be a party to such un-American tactics.

Palpatines personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, said the president will celebrate his victory by boarding a planet-killing Star Destroyer for a relaxing cruise to rebel outposts around the universe.

Joe Blundo is a columnist for The Dispatch.

joe.blundo@gmail.com

@joeblundo

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Joe Blundo: So to Speak | Try as they might, this Senate just cant convict - The Columbus Dispatch

Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero