Confessions of a horror movie coward – Metro

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The horror genre has always been my cinematic blind spot.

Ive seen the odd one or two, but Ive barely skimmed the surface.

Id like to provide you with a clever and insightful reason for this but, truth be told, I simply dont enjoy the sensation of being scared.

It just leaves me on edge andrenders me too nervous to actually enjoy the film at hand.

My simple solution therefore has been to simply not bother with them at all.

Incidentally this is also my approach with rollercoasters, but thats a discussion for another time.

Alas, though, that self-imposed life hack went out of the window somewhat due to the fact that my dear girlfriend is a huge horror fan.

As in any relationship, sacrifices have to be made, and in this instance, that sacrifice was my pride and dignity.

After deciding to focus on 21stCentury horror movies as a vague parameter of sorts, I set about seeing what all the fuss is about and whether I could learn to embrace the fear.

Im basically Batman, but instead of channelling my deep-rooted fear into vigilante justice, Im using it to blog online about movies.

Not all heroes wear capes.

The films we chose to watch were Insidious, The Conjuring, The Babadook, The Orphanage, It Follows and The Witch.

Of these,I found The Orphanage and The Babadook were both the scariest and best overall movies, The Conjuring and Insidious had scary moments but were both a bit generic, It Follows was just ratherdull, while The Witch wasnt remotely scary but was undeniably atmospheric.

After watching them all, I realised than in general what made me most scared was not the momentary jump scares themselves, but rather the painfully tense moments you spend waiting for them to arrive.

Its waiting for the inevitable that really puts me on edge, which means that a films ability to build slow-burning tension is vital.

Have a demon appear from nowhere and Ill jump, but have someone creep about a house late at night when we know there are bad things afoot, and Im a nervous wreck whos putting a light on when they go to the bathroom in the night.

By far the scariest moment in any of these films came in The Orphanage when our heroine was seeking to make contact with some child ghosts (the scariest kind of ghost Im sure we all agree) via a childhood game they all used to play.

As she stood with her back turned and eyes closed and began to count, I took the decidedly un-heroic decision to simply shout Noooooope! at the screen and violently shake my head in annoyance at how terrifying I found her decision to be.

Again though, it was the realisation of what was coming that made it so tense and uncomfortable.

Other notable scary moments that really got to me include the scene in The Babadook when the creakiest bedroom door ever opened in the middle of the night and we caught a glimpse of the titular threat.

Up to this point you half expect the danger to be all in the mothers head, but when her fears are actually realised its all the more effective.

Both The Conjuring and Insidious also had stand out moments that made me leap out of my seat in an extremely undignified manner.

These include pretty much any scene involving the basement in the former and the renowned unexpected glimpse of the Lipstick-Face Demon in the latter.

I realised fairly swiftly on in my sortie into horror that a good backstory is vital to my enjoyment of the movie.

Insidious had numerous effective jump scares, but its backstory is flimsy at best and soon became far too silly and predictable.

The Orphanage comes into its own in this regard, delivering a story thats as much a mystery thriller as it is a chilling horror, wonderfully linking the past and present story threads together.

The Babadook is the exception that proves the rule however, a movie that deliberately keeps its origins well-hidden and leaves its explanations open to interpretation, and is all the scarier for it.

So what did I learn from my brush with scary movies?

Well, Im sure all of this is of no surprise to horror connoisseurs, but a number of things really leapt out at me.

Firstly, horror movies in general are only scary until the big bad is finally revealed.

In basically every movie, at around 80% of the way through I noticeably relaxed as the full extent of the threat was now no longer a mystery.

Secondly, people need to stop buying dilapidated houses in remote areas as its clearly a recipe for disaster.

Thirdly, little kids are always terrifying and have no qualms about making friends with ghosts.

Finally, people in horror movies have an unhealthy obsession with basements.

Either effectively block them up, invest in some state of the art lighting or, as a bare minimum, get some WD40 for the door hinges.

After my foray into the world of horror, I do think I appreciate a good horror movie more, but think I would choose to still keep them only as a rare occasional treat.

I still cant bring myself to watch them all the time as its just not a relaxing way to spend 90 minutes.

Theres only so many times I can brace myself for bad things to happen when it cuts to an establishing night-time shot and someone sleeping soundly in a bed.

That being said, its all good practice for when the new version of IT hitscinemas and I have to do my boyfriendly duty and go see it like a big brave grown-up.

Which Im not worried about at all. Honestly.

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Confessions of a horror movie coward - Metro