Tam Cowan: Hancock hasn’t popped up on Love Island.. but he did on CCTV – Daily Record

According to a recent poll, almost 50 per cent of people in Britain cringe at something their spouse does during sex.

Yeah, like phoning me at the office, said a Mr Hancock

I never usually watch it but I tuned in to the new series of Love Island on Monday night just to see if the former health secretary was on it.

Why dont I watch it?

Ach, Im still in the huff at receiving a knock-back when I applied for last years show.

I knew it was a mistake spelling my name correctly on the entry form theres no way I would have fitted in with the rest of the contestants

Alas, Hancock hasnt popped up on ITV2 either.

Although he did pop up, to coin a phrase, on CCTV.

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson accepted Hancocks resignation and said he should leave office very proud of what hes achieved.

He added: Wee Gina? Oh yes, he was punching well above his weight.

After being exposed for breaking his own social distancing rules, I understand Hancock has already hit back at critics who claim he has been utterly two-faced.

And he might have a point.

After all, what he did with Ms Coladangelo is basically what he has done to the country for the past 15 months.

Before we leave this story, its time for a confession. At my mums funeral on December 31 last year I hugged my wee sister. Which means, of course, I broke social distancing rules.

So how do I apply for my 16,000 payout, Matt?

Ive had a much quieter week than Hancock (who hasnt?) and my highlight was taking part in a wee podcast on Tuesday night.

I was asked to tell two of my all-time favourite jokes. Easy peasy.

A man rushed into his doctors surgery and says: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking Im a moth.

The doc says: I think you should try the psychiatrist next door.

And the man says: Thats where I was going, but your light was on

The second gag also has an insect theme.

This fella goes into a pet shop and says: Can I have a wasp please?

The man behind the counter says: Im sorry, we dont sell wasps.

And the bloke says: Well youve got one in the window

Two absolute belters, Im sure you agree.

But the moth gag is probably No.1 on my list as, lets face it, wasps are no laughing matter. And heres a wee news story that wont put a smile on any of our faces.

Were already set for a record plague of midges in Scotland this summer (and remember, in the words of the great Kenneth McKellar song, if ye manage to kill yin, another half million are ready to come to the wake).

But heres the sting in the tail (pun intended).

Thanks to inconsistent weather over the past couple of months, experts predict a HUGE influx of wasps in our home.

And as we all know, wasps are the second-biggest domestic pests known to man (just behind delivery drivers with parcels for next door).

Of course, according to every Scottish granny, a wasp will only sting if you annoy it.

But as a wise man once observed: How exactly do you annoy a wasp change channels when its watching its favourite TV programme?

If the wasp was a singer, it would be Johnny Rotten. By comparison, the bee would be Sir Cliff Richard.

But dont be fooled by appearances I got stung by a bee last year.

The wee bugger charged me 45 for a jar of honey.

Anyway, folks, please keep your eye out for the wasps this summer or you could end up getting a sore one like my daft pal.

He went to the doctors after getting stung by a wasp while playing golf.

And where exactly is it? asked the doc.

Och, itll be miles away by now, he replied

Nearly a quarter of us have been targeted by holiday scams.

Tell me about it.

During a holiday in Tenerife a couple of years ago, I gave a looky-looky man five euros for a genuine Rolex watch and guess what?

The oldest human victim of a shark has been identified as a 3000-year-old Japanese man.

He was never going to outswim it at that age, eh?

Naw, Im just being daft it was, of course, a SKELETON that was discovered at an ancient burial site with all the tell-tale signs of an attack.

I think it must have been this story that inspired me to watch Jaws (for about the 80th time) on one of the movie channels this week.

Now THAT was a scary film.

Even the Child Catcher from the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was tame compared to the worlds most famous great white shark.

Regardless of how many times Ive seen the movie, I can assure you I STILL jumped out of my seat the other night when that severed head popped out the boat.

Nearly 50 years after the films release, I bet there are still people utterly terrified to go for a paddle on the beach. Yep, even if were talking Ayr or Portobello. To put your minds at ease and with summer now upon us heres the best bit of advice Ive ever heard: A shark will ONLY attack you if youre wet

Glasgow has been named Scotlands top spot for UFO sightings with an astonishing one in four residents reporting close encounters.

Which means that 25 per cent of Glaswegians really ought to lay off the bevvy.

According to one critic I read, Anne Robinson looked uncharacteristically nervous on Monday when she made her debut as the new presenter on Channel 4s Countdown.

so would you if you were 76 years old and every advert during the break was for funeral insurance plans.

The only time Ive seen a flying saucer was seconds after criticising my wifes cooking.

Parliament is set to introduce a tips Bill that will force restaurants and other businesses to give all gratuities to staff.

I think thats a great idea.

To celebrate the news, I present my all-time top tips:

Never buy a pair of tights for a mermaid.

Dont stand up in a canoe.

Always sit at the back of a plane when did you ever hear of one REVERSING into a mountain?

Never buy a second-hand yo-yo from a dwarf.

And whatever you do NEVER take a sleeping tablet at the same time as a laxative...

Dry conditions in the Highlands have apparently turned Loch Ness into "Loch Less" as its lost an astonishing 56 BILLION litres of water and is currently at a very low level.

Good news for all the numpties who claim to have spotted Nessie over the years, eh?

AYE RIGHT!

Like the famous old monster herself, I reckon theyll now be hiding

I'm still chuckling at the truly weird experience I had at the Royal Bank of Scotland in Motherwell last week.

After being greeted by a lovely member of staff at the front door, I realised Id left my facemask in the car.

So I asked her (yes, an employee the bank) if she could give me a mask and she did!

I then put the mask on (the one shed given me) and marched up to one of the counters.

Can you imagine ANY of that happening pre-Covid???

These are crazy, crazy times indeed.

Congrats to scots actor Ewan McGregor on becoming a dad again at the age of 50. I thought I was pushing it as a first- time father at 42.

I felt ancient!

I must have looked it, too. When I went into the southern general hospital in Glasgow on the morning my wife was due to give birth, the lassie at reception directed me to the hip replacement unit.

My wee off the Ball pal Professor Jason Leitch says Scottish football can have full stadiums from August 10.

Yeah, but only if the clubs buy MUCH better players...

New photos emerge of Matt Hancocks affair.

When the ref tells the Italians he likes pineapple on his pizza.

Was it really an iceberg that sunk the Titanic?

I bet that suitcase is jam-packed.

The manager at our local IKEA is retiring so I sent him this cake.

Matt Hancock when his wife saw the CCTV.

Matt Hancock has been double jabbed. It happened last Friday when he went home to his wife. I watched a street entertainer contort his whole body into a small suitcase and asked him if he could teach me how to do it. He says hell try to squeeze me in next Monday. Ten words you dont want to hear this summer: This is your pilot speaking Im working from home today... after Gina Coladangelo was caught kissing Matt Hancock, experts advised her to self-isolate as she has evidently lost all sense of taste.

As I get older, I find I only need three shops Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

How come I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person in any of their adverts? are they ashamed of their customers? Experts say having sex burns as many calories as running five miles. But who can run five miles in 30 seconds? Looks like Matt Hancock managed to get the two-metre rule down to minus four inches...

Must say I was pleased to see The Queen and Prince William at the Barrs Irn-Bru factory in Cambuslang on Monday.

Its good to know all the recent carry-on with Harry hasnt put them off ginger. PS. Last week, Harry and Meghan rejected the Earl of Dumbarton title for wee Archie over bullying claims as it has dumb in it.

At times like this you feel sorry for the Duke of Scunthorpe.

Junk food adverts will be banned on TV before the watershed in a bid to crack down on obesity.

So, stand by for thousands of kids across Scotland begging their parents to stay up after 9pm so they can see the new McDonalds ad.

We didnt have this issue with junk food when I was a kid mainly because we couldnt afford takeaways from the high street chains.

But as a special treat on a Saturday my dad used to take me to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

A third of smartphone users have never cleaned their handset.

And while the over-60s have the cleanest mobiles, young men have the filthiest. If you dont believe me, just check their search history...

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Tam Cowan: Hancock hasn't popped up on Love Island.. but he did on CCTV - Daily Record