Mitch McConnell Will Buy Me a Vampire Tampon Case For My Lesbian Vampire Tampons – Autostraddle

Mitch McConnell is an American politician and senate majority leader from Kentucky who, along with the rest of the Republican Party, for the last seven years has been obsessed with repealing the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, which provides free to low-cost healthcare to millions of U.S. citizens. Some might argue that a not-insignificant part of the reason why Mitch McConnell and his party have been so determined to repeal Obamacare is because of the name attached to it, which is cool and adult. I dont like him, and so on Friday were all going to exclude him from the lunch table in a major way, but racist. Mitch McConnell et al.

The ACAs repeal would affect too many people, whether directly or peripherally, to be considered a niche issue, and so this debate has been of special national interest. Even people who dont involve themselves in politics (another cool and adult thing) have been made to pay attention. But its been of extra special interest to me, because seven years ago I bet Mitch McConnell that he wouldnt be able to repeal Obamacare. Seven years ago I said, Mitchbaby, youre gonna blow it, and when you do, youre going to owe me an item of my choosing that youll buy with money youve made not from taxpayers because what am I, buying my own present here? but with money youll earn as the prototype for a new slow-release candle wax, to which he responded with a puff of air out of the entrance to his mouth, thus sealing our bet.

This past Thursday, July 27th, 2017, with yet another failed attempt to squeeze Obamacares repeal through Senate while most of Americans slept, I won the bet. The healthcare bill that Mitch McConnell had so desperately tried and tried and tried to destroy and the one he would agree to abandon the following morning came up shy of votes again. And this last attempt was during a time where his party controlled every house of government! Lolololololololol. Hey, some people are just bad at their jobs.

That is why Mitch McConnell will buy me this vampire tampon case that exists on Etsyto hold my lesbian vampire themed tampons. Remember those? The tampons I make Mike Pence buy me every month before he returns to mother? Those are the tampons that this vampire tampon case will enclose, and for which Mitch McConnell will pay.

Look, a deal is a deal. Mitch McConnell wanted to risk the lives of millions for political gain and make a bet on his ability to do so and he didnt and now he owes me. I know it must seem a little harsh to make someone settle up after/on top of being exposed as such a giant loser in such a public way, but this is simply me holding you, Mitch McConnell, accountable for the terms of our bet, which you lost with incredible flair. It looked like you were crying a little bit on the stand when you realized you wouldnt be getting enough votes! That is really something, and by something I mean super embarrassing. Maybe quit your job? I dont know, seven years is a long time to be bad at something and then continue on in that same arena.

Whats an Etsy? Mitch McConnell will say at the speed of a chopped and screwed vocal as he plugs his vitality cord into the outlet located at the back of his neck, which I will have anticipated and prepared for by setting up an account for him and saving my vampire tampon case for my lesbian vampire tampons in his cart. Dont worry about it, Ill say, and then, as Mitch McConnell floats his finger towards his phones screen, like I did with Mike Pence, I will remind Mitch McConnell that this is a joke that only I can enjoy and he is not to internalize its connotations. Hell go, Huh? like the speech equivalent of taffy stretching and Ill go, Just press submit!!!!

Cant wait, Mitch McConnell, for my vampire tampon case, and to also see you in hell.

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Mitch McConnell Will Buy Me a Vampire Tampon Case For My Lesbian Vampire Tampons - Autostraddle

Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero