NEVER got Dracula, or any of the cape-flapping nonsense that went with him.
For starters, I couldnt work out what he was. Man or bat?
7
Or why anyone would be dumb enough to get sucked into his orbit, let alone get bitten on the neck when the arthritic old creep must have had a prostate gland like Miley Cyruss wrecking ball.
And thats before we even get to the obsessive fans, who are far too into the dressing-up box games for anyones comfort.
So, emphatically, I am not the person to give a fair hearing to last weeks BBC1 Dracula trilogy, starring Claes Bang in the role played by Christopher Lee and immortalised by Ted Hankey.
Nevertheless...
A bit to my surprise, I found myself getting drawn in by the first episode, on Wednesday.
It had suspense, brilliant production values and a funny script, which was hardly surprising given the writers, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat, had borrowed some of its best lines from Beverly Hills Cop, Crowded House and even Some Like It Hot.
Youre a monster.
Youre a lawyer. Nobodys perfect.
7
7
Above all, Dracula seemed to prove that, if it had the talent, the BBC could actually make a drama without belly-aching about the British empire, homophobia, racism, misogyny and international capitalism.
It still does prove it, in fact.
However, not long after the Count emerged starkers from inside a wolf, outside a nunnery, something odd happened.
Dracula lost it and instead of being enjoyable, it turned into an interactive viewing experience, with the very lifeblood draining out of me the more I sat and watched.
Part of the problem was that it began to get lost in those vampire health and safety rules which always make it sound more like a Romanian version of Gardeners World: Bed down in a light Transylvanian soil, store in a cool dark place and avoid direct sunlight.
The overriding issue, though, was that it all just went on too bloody long.
It wasnt helped, of course, that halfway through the first episode, when it began to stutter, I knew there were still well over three hours and another couple of episodes to go.
But whaddayaknow?
Exactly the same thing happened, both nights. Dracula had me, then it lost me.
First of those episodes was a boat-based re-hash of the 1972 Peter Cushing classic Horror Express, with all the accompanying cliches: Im telling you this ship is cursed.
7
While the finale was set in contemporary England and got far too bogged down in the subject of physical beauty, which wouldve worked a lot better if the actress playing Lucy Westenra, Lydia West, had been as beautiful as everyone kept insisting.
Viewing became a real chore, yet I kept at it, right until the death, for three good reasons. One. Professional duty (youre welcome). Two. The outstanding Dolly Wells, as Sister Agatha Van Helsing, who stole every scene from Claes Bang, whod pitched his Count in that grey area between Steven Seagal and Engelbert Humperdinck.
And three, the vain hope that, after so much unedited self-indulgence, it might have a good ending.
It didnt. Dracula just came to an abrupt halt, with the actual moment to bail out being his sodden arrival on Whitby beach, at the start of episode three, when he asked: How long have I been in the water?
123 years. Is that all?
It felt much longer. A pity.
Great Sporting Insights
MATT Le Tissier: Have West Ham players improved? Yes, probably not.
Clinton Morrison: If Im not being myself, Id be being someone different.
And Worlds Strongest Man commentator Danny Wallace: Brian Shaw, unshakeable at this moment. Apart from the slight shakes.
(Compiled by Graham Wray).
GOOD Morning Britain, hospitalised MP Emily Thornberry: I ended up in A&E and some very sweet person came up and said, Oh, its Emily Thornberry.
You look ever so much prettier in real life than you do on telly.
The eye hospital, right?
Great TV lies and delusions of the week
DANCING On Ice, Holly Willoughby: Theres a lot more to look forward to on ITV, including the brilliant Masked Singer.
The Greatest Dancer, Todrick Hall: I dont really want to drop any names, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande...
Good Morning Britain, Emily Thornberry: The General Election wasnt a General Election.
Yeah, it wasnt a General Election and Labour didnt get its biggest pumping since Hamilton Accies last made the Scottish Cup Final.
NUUURSE!
A NEW Years Day kick in the plums as Joel Dommett tells our Bizarre TV column: Each year I think Im not going to work again.
Then something comes up.
7
Hell, doesnt it just.
A Wicker Man karaoke horror, in this instance, called The Masked Singer, where four ITV spare parts Jonathan Ross, Rita Ora, Davina McCall and American irritant Ken Jeong have to try to identify a heavily disguised singer without raising expectations too high.
Because you and I both know its far more likely to be Arg or Piers, in the fat monster suit, than Stevie Wonder.
All the Celebrity Detectives and audience have to go on, though, is their singing voice and some pretty cryptic clues offered up by a pre-song VT.
Ive got these large arms cos Ive come to grab every opportunity.
More often than not Im most active at night.
Harvey Weinstein? Ted Bundy?
And, yeah, I know hes dead, but it cant be a longer shot than some of the suggestions the panel offered up to host Joel, which included: Miles Davis, Margot Robbie, Sir Ian McKellen, Ray Winstone and Helen Mirren.
The reality of this aberration, though, is that, after nearly 90 minutes of teasing, the Butterfly is eliminated, the studio crowd chants Take it off, take it off, take it off, a giant insect head is removed to reveal...Patsy Palmer.
And, as one, several million viewers chant back: Put it on, put it on, put it on.
If theres a more demented show this year, emigrate.
Filing their own crits (Part 1,793)
Kelly Brook to The Sun TV Mag: When I was approached to do Midsomer Murders it was a no-brainer.
FIVE series into SAS: Who Dares Wins, Ant Middleton and the boys have hit generation snowflake and the culture clash is a wonder to behold.
On one side, five special forces veterans (if you include Jay Morton, the mole), with about 50 years of elite service between them, who are in love with the brutal surroundings of the Western Isles of Scotland, homeland of the SAS.
7
On the other, gym-bunny civilians like 21-year-old Amos, who claims: My self-belief wavers. Some days Im untouchable. On other days...
Hes flapping around, like the last haddock on Peterhead harbour, while Ant screams: Is he having a f***ing laugh? Leave him. Hes not drowning.
Hes not taking any further part in the series either. Nor is builder Korey, who began whimpering with the cold before theyd even reached base camp.
One thing generation snowflake can do, though, is talk about themselves.
A Zen master of the art is Jerrome, who describes himself as: A spirit wrapped in clay called a human being, like hes Tony Harts mate, Morph.
Another is Alpha female Kirsty who, probably for the first time in her adult life, is encountering men who wont put up with the fact she can talk for hours without saying anything, just because shes beautiful.
They were already grinding their teeth with frustration when Kirsty dropped the J-word, before she pushed them too far with a fitness boast.
Theres something inside me that wants to go on a journey and discover, you know, what my capabilities are and if I have any limitations, cos I train at a high level at CrossFit and...
F***ING BORING. GUAAAAARD!
Outstanding television. (Channel 4, Sunday, 9pm)
7
CASH Trapped, Bradley Walsh: The Brooklyn Bridge links Brooklyn with which other New York district?
Dan: Los Angeles.
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: Which spread made from brewers yeast was launched in the 1920s as an Australian alternative to Marmite?
Ryan: Butter.
Celebrity Mastermind, John Humphrys: A large chain of coffee shops is named after the first mate in the novel Moby Dick.
Whats his name? Paul Chuckle: Kenco.
And of course, John Humphrys: The 2019 book No One Is Too Small To Make A Difference is a collection of speeches made by which Swedish climate-change activist?
Amanda Henderson: Sharon.
Second best Celebrity Mastermind answer of the week
JOHN Humphrys: A cob is the male and a pen is the female of what bird?
Levi Roots: A tit?
Yes and no.
SAS: Who Dares Wins contestants who cant swim.
Last Leg guest Sue Perkins claiming her highlight of the decade was the rise of grassroots activism. (Youre meant to be a comedian).
Dancing On Ice host Holly Willoughby announcing Michael Barrymores replacement Radzi Chinyanganya has been thrown in the deep end. (Let it go, woman).
The shows same-sex couple receiving the biggest avalanche of virtue-signalling since records began.
And This Mornings Ruth Langsford seriously asking Gemma Collins former partner Matt Evers if: Doing the lift is slightly different with a male partner?
Yeah, well, its different in as much as its now possible without a forklift truck, Ruth.
Comment
LORRAINE KELLY Strictly fan backlash against stunning Ashley Roberts is a quickstep too far
THE return of SAS: Who Dares Wins. BBC2s beautiful Snow Cats And Me, with Gordon Buchanan.
Masked Singer contestant Alan Johnson visiting a plague of boils and locusts on Walk Like An Egyptian.
The Goggleboxers watching Jane McDonald singing Ray Of Light (Bury it, darling.) and Lee discussing the dos and donts of Christmas gifts with Jenny: Jane at work, her husband bought her scales and a suitcase. If you dont lose weight, youre off.
Originally posted here:
Ally Ross: Dracula drained the lifeblood out of viewers pushing BBCs woke agenda - The Scottish Sun
- Prolific British actor Christopher Lee dies at age 93 | AP News - May 1st, 2024
- AA Alum Christopher Lee is featured in The Business Times - Architectural Association School of Architecture - May 1st, 2024
- Christopher Lee Was Furious About This 'Lord of the Rings' Moment - Collider - April 2nd, 2024
- Airdate: The Life and Deaths of Christopher Lee - TV Tonight - April 2nd, 2024
- Christopher Lee's casual shorts and slippers outfit in Taiwan made heads turn - TODAY - March 16th, 2024
- Christopher Lee Dead: Horror Icon and Legendary Movie Villain Was 93 ... - February 19th, 2024
- "Chris wasn't hearing a bar of it": Christopher Lee Forcefully Auditioned For Another Lord of the Rings Character Before ... - FandomWire - February 11th, 2024
- 'Cancel everything': How Christopher Lee disciplines his son with this one phrase - Yahoo Singapore News - February 3rd, 2024
- Actress Fann Wong surprised by husband Christopher Lee on birthday - The Straits Times - February 3rd, 2024
- Fann Wong surprised by husband Christopher Lee on birthday - The New Paper - February 3rd, 2024
- Christopher Lee: The actor and hunter of Nazi war criminals - Far Out Magazine - January 9th, 2024
- Sir Christopher Lee's Favorite Performance is in a Film You've Never Heard Of - MovieWeb - December 12th, 2023
- Christopher Lee dies at the age of 93 - The Guardian - April 27th, 2023
- Christopher Lee - Tolkien Gateway - March 31st, 2023
- Christopher Lee filmography - Wikipedia - February 10th, 2023
- Where to Start with Christopher Lee - The Film Magazine - October 19th, 2022
- 'Were you desperate to get proposed to?' Christopher Lee crashes Rebecca Lim's new show and roasts her while dishing out relationship advice - AsiaOne - October 19th, 2022
- The Wicker Man TV Series In Development With Andy Serkis The Imaginarium And Studiocanal-Backed Urban Myth - Deadline - October 19th, 2022
- Tim Burton names his five favourite horror movies of all time - Far Out Magazine - October 19th, 2022
- Ten celebrities who served in the military, from Adam Driver to Prince Harry - The National - October 19th, 2022
- These 13 Actors Have Earned the Right to be Called Scream Kings - Dread Central - October 19th, 2022
- David W. Smith | Obituaries | thedailynewsonline.com - The Daily News Online - October 19th, 2022
- Jennifer Hudson Recounts "Fanning Out" Over Duet With Sheryl Lee Ralph: "I Wanted to Make Her Proud" - POPSUGAR - October 19th, 2022
- Tangipahoa Parish Jail - October 11th, 2022
- A monster calls: why the horror universe is an idea whose time has come - The Guardian - October 11th, 2022
- Oblong Box, The (Blu-ray Review) - The Digital Bits - October 11th, 2022
- Was that the balrog that killed Gandalf in the Rings of Power? - Polygon - October 11th, 2022
- Every James Bond movie ranked by critics, according to Rotten Tomatoes - Insider - October 11th, 2022
- Overwatch 2: All Voice Actors And Cast - eXputer - October 11th, 2022
- She got Covid-19 four times this year alone - The Star Online - October 11th, 2022
- Nursing School Collaborates with Nursing School in The Philippines - Boston College - October 2nd, 2022
- The Terrifying, Terrific Horror Movies of 1972 - Nerdist - October 2nd, 2022
- Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: A beautiful conclusion to the iconic trilogy - The Shield - October 2nd, 2022
- Tyson Fury through the years: Photo gallery - MMA Junkie - October 2nd, 2022
- Duncan man jailed, accused of madness on meth - The Lawton Constitution - September 24th, 2022
- Conor McGregor "can't believe" he's being paid to film Hollywood movie - The Mirror - September 24th, 2022
- The Government of Malaysia Launches the National Energy Policy 2022 - 2040: What it Means for the Renewables Landscape - Lexology - September 24th, 2022
- New Brockton native Brandon Lee part of team cherishing NASCAR win at Bristol - Dothan Eagle - September 24th, 2022
- Cape Cod theater reviewers' thoughts on 2 scary plays and a comedy - Cape Cod Times - September 24th, 2022
- 'His presence is going to be there': Lee Roy Selmon will attend in spirit as trio of OU brothers honored with statue - The Oklahoma Daily - September 24th, 2022
- Nicolas Cage inspired by Christopher Lee for vampire movie Renfield - The Digital Fix - September 16th, 2022
- Reece Shearsmith Tells Richard Herring About Christopher Lee - Beyond The Joke - September 16th, 2022
- 8 Horror Movies So Awful They Were Pulled From The Cinema - WhatCulture - September 16th, 2022
- Man-Thing Makes his MCU Debut in Werewolf by Night - Here's what we know about Man-Thing - Attack of the Fanboy - September 16th, 2022
- Summer of Blood (Blu-ray Review) - The Digital Bits - September 16th, 2022
- Get it over with: Suspect in Kokomo child exploitation case tells police to arrest him on the spot - FOX 59 Indianapolis - September 16th, 2022
- Alabama says it won't be ready to use nitrogen hypoxia method at Sept. 22 execution - USA TODAY - September 16th, 2022
- Christopher Lee, The Real-Life "Most Interesting Man In The World" - August 31st, 2022
- Inside The Fact And Fiction Of Christopher Lee's World War II Service - August 31st, 2022
- How to watch The Lord of the Rings movies and the series in chronological order - Lifestyle Asia India - August 31st, 2022
- Court and arrest reports for Martinsville and Henry County - Martinsville Bulletin - August 31st, 2022
- Every Tim Burton Movie Ranked from Worst to Best - Consequence - August 31st, 2022
- Court lists defendants to appear in Criminal Division on Thursday - Magnoliareporter - August 31st, 2022
- Lee County School Board makes minor revision to Parents' Bill of Rights - Wink News - August 31st, 2022
- A Cardiologist Breaks Down the AHA's New Report on the Most Common Heart Disease Symptoms Best Life - Best Life - August 31st, 2022
- Exclusive Interview: Director Philippe Mora On His Films With Christopher Lee - FANGORIA - August 14th, 2022
- 10 films turning 10 in 2022 - NewsNation Now - August 14th, 2022
- Persephone and the Poultry of the Night | Thumper Forge - Patheos - August 14th, 2022
- Unexpected Demands Made By Lord Of The Rings Actors - Looper - August 14th, 2022
- Rings of Power: Everything you need to know about Amazon's 1bn Lord of the Rings prequel - The Mirror - August 14th, 2022
- Slash Tells Us Why There Will Never Be a Guns N Roses Movie - MovieMaker Magazine - August 6th, 2022
- On the record for Aug. 4 - Seymour Tribune - August 6th, 2022
- Judge Talley will hear criminal docket on Thursday - Magnoliareporter - August 6th, 2022
- Dr. Christopher Reber Receives ACCT 2022 Northeast Regional Chief Executive Officer Award - The Hudson Reporter - August 6th, 2022
- Theatre Review: This 101 Dalmatians is barking up the wrong tree - The New European - August 6th, 2022
- Christopher Lee Euro Films, Dennis Hopper's 'Out of the Blue' Among Titles Due on Disc From Severin and MVD July 26 Media Play News - Media Play News - July 28th, 2022
- 25 Scariest Movies of All Time (2022 Edition) - Cultured Vultures - July 28th, 2022
- Fans Wonder Why a Fantasy Epic Too Big to Fail Did Just That - We Got This Covered - July 28th, 2022
- The Best Witch Movies of all Time, Ranked - The Mary Sue - July 28th, 2022
- NASCAR Driver Christopher Bell and CRAFTSMAN Raise Awareness for Children's Miracle Network Hospitals; No. 20 Special Edition Paint Scheme to be... - July 28th, 2022
- Singer Stefanie Sun turns 44 with cakes and loved ones - The Straits Times - July 28th, 2022
- Tony Dow dead: Wally Cleaver 'Leave It to Beaver' actor was 77 - USA TODAY - July 28th, 2022
- Roane Co. authorities looking for man convicted of neglecting and murdering an elderly relative - WBIR.com - July 20th, 2022
- 22 Incredible Facts About The Life and Career Of Sir Christopher Lee - July 20th, 2022
- Police and Fire Report - Winchester Sun - Winchester Sun - July 20th, 2022
- What We Do in the Shadows cast shares their favorite vampire movies, books, and more - Polygon - July 20th, 2022
- Courteney Cox Set To Make Horror Movie History With 'Scream 6' - We Got This Covered - July 20th, 2022
- Every James Bond Movie, Ranked: The Best of Bond - CNET - July 20th, 2022
- Grandparents of Dean Kerrie say he was just defending his mother and should not be jailed - Sunday World - July 20th, 2022
- Ray Wise Has Always Been More Than "That Guy" - Defector - July 20th, 2022
Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero