The Mother Lode: The horror show of the looming coronavirus – CT Insider

Theres that classic moment in horror movies that we all know and know it all too well.

The main character (usually a female) goes down to the basement because she hears a weird noise. The audience knows there is a processed-clown-doll-from-hell on the loose (or mother-who-has-home-schooled-for-10-weeks-straight, take your pick). Every corner of the basement is terrifying as this woman cautiously explores, trying to find the source of the noise. Suspenseful music plays, she cant get the lights on, she notices the basement window is broken, and then ... there it is. The sound is coming from a loose board, creaking from the window draft.

Whew nothing scary, after all!

The woman turns, relieved, and heads toward the stairs, smiling at her silly fears when suddenly the demented clown/doll/COVID-home-schooling-mother jumps out with a weapon.

Its called a jump-scare, mom, my 12-year-old Louie informed me, earnestly.

Louie has been fixated on horror movies for two years now. He uses makeup to terrify his younger siblings on a regular basis, with a strong preference for Pennywise, the clown from Stephen Kings IT. A child psychologist told us to go with it, but Louie has now perfected the jump scare to the point that no one under the age of 10 can be in a room alone. Or sleep.

That is kind of like where we are now in our COVID-19 crisis, a doctor friend told me.

It goes like this: We are in the basement, we think weve put an end to our fears, and we are heading toward the stairs. Whether or not COVID-19 will jump-scare us that remains to be seen, he said.

What do we do now, as the state starts to reopen? Do we meet up with friends? Can we finally go out? Can we go to a outdoor restaurant, 6-feet apart, and rejoice over the fact that someone else will do the dishes?

Is it safe? Should we be scared? Will the monster known as COVID-19 jump-scare us?

I could put up with a demented clown monster, as long as someone else did the dishes, my friend Sammy said. Actually, my husband is not far off, at this point.

Yeah, well if my husband, Ian, doesnt cut his facial hair soon, I will have to start hiding in the basement. But due to Last Minute Lamont, we have to wait on that one as the re-entry rules keep changing, leaving us in a crawl space of uncertainty with one of those Harry Potter floating staircases that keep changing direction. (What is the deal with those things?)

And while we are at it, why does that horror movie woman go to the basement in the first place? You are in a horror movie, lady: no basement, closets or deserted summer camps.

But in a sense, COVID-19 has put us all in that basement. We are all sitting here with a monster in the room, and for those of us who have yet to get sick, we are still not sure what that monster will look like for us. But we know its out there.

So do we bite the bullet, and head toward the stairs?

Honestly, enough already, Sammy hollered. I want my life back! I cant do this anymore!

I get it. You know when Jabba the Hutt has Princess Leia on a chain, in that ridiculous outfit? Thats how I feel every morning, minus the gold bra.

You mean you feel like Jabba, or Princess Leia? Ian asked, smiling through his facial hair.

I realize I have gained weight but thats not funny. I believe revenge for those mocking Jabba involves walking the plank toward a hellish hole where you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years, to quote the big man himself. Remember? It looked like a giant man-eating maw.

The Sarlacc Pit, Ian said, and thus was silenced.

But heres the deal: You know how South Korea and Germany did everything right?

Yeah, South Korea is really starting to annoy me, Sammy said.

Even after taking precautions, the most successful of countries at fighting COVID-19 have experienced upticks in new cases after their slow and cautious reopenings. And these are countries that did everything right.

We seem to do everything wrong, and the problem with COVID-19 is we just dont know how adaptive recovery will play out. It takes five to six weeks to know if more cases will result from reopening our society.

And the stupid disease keeps changing, Sammy continued.

She was on a roll deep in the throes of what I call C.R.P.S., or COVID-Rage Plummet Syndrome. C.R.P.S. hits me most days around 4 p.m., when I realize I am still in the kitchen because my family eats all day long, and this is why we are all fat. But not like Jabba.

And yet, she has a point. The COVID-19 symptom list keeps getting longer. (Hello, pink eye?) Plus there are all these new spinoffs.

Theres a horrifying new COVID-related syndrome affecting children, called pediatric multi-system inflammatory syndrome, which involves a rash and fever, among other things. Then theres the sudden-stroke syndrome, seen in middle-age adults ages 30 to 50, and created by something called a cytokine storm, which must be somewhere near the Sarlacc Pit. There are COVID-19-related blood-clotting issues that have come to light. And it remains unclear whether the disease leaves permanent damage to nerve and lung functioning across all ages.

Not to mention the overall impact the pandemic will have globally in unprecedented job loss, economic devastation and no solution in sight. Talk about a horror show.

So, as you sit in your own personal basement with a monster lurking somewhere in the shadows

Bad metaphor, Claire Greenwich basements often involve steam rooms and wine cellars, Ian interrupted.

Fine. . . As you sit in a gold bra, chained to Jabba the Hutt while the Sarlacc Pit pulses on, hang in there. Like all the lawn signs say, we WILL get through this. Just be careful as you head to those stairs ...

Claire Tisne Haft is a former publishing and film executive, raising her family in Greenwich while working on a freelance basis on books and films. She can be reached through her website at clairetisnehaft.com

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The Mother Lode: The horror show of the looming coronavirus - CT Insider

Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero