S’pore man shares satirical guide on how to survive ‘zombie apocalypse’ by being a smart hoarder – Mothership.sg

With the hordes of shoppers snatching up non-perishables since DORSCON Orange has been announced, one might think the end of times is nigh.

When really, its anything but.

Still, the images flooding social media of shoppers practically climbing shelves to reach the last item are almost reminiscent of a zombie apocalypse.

One Teo Hong Han, who claims to have watched most of the zombie apocalypse films and played most of the popular zombie apocalypse games has given his own take on the panic-buying situation.

In a viral Facebook post on Feb. 8, Teo teaches Singaporeans how to be a smart hoarder, now that a zombie apocalypse is imminent.

It is 3am Singapore time. I still see hoarders raiding the supermarkets. Many clueless to what they need to raid. Be a smart hoarder, read this guide before you raid, he wrote.

Useful if youre looking to stock up your secret HDB survival bunker, or just you know, cook a massive meal using 10 bottles of soya sauce.

Here are a few of his (entirely satirical) tips for your perusal.

According to Teo, one must always take a dump during a zombie apocalypse.

You cannot run away from zombies if you hold on to your shit for too long, he said.

Therefore, as seen from his photo, stocking up on toilet rolls and tissues are a must. One cant run around with a dirty butt.

Teo believes that babies can poop everywhere, anywhere and anytime, because they cant help it.

The poop might even be a natural deterrent for zombies.

As seen from the full shelves of toothpaste and mouth wash, Teo says that mouth hygiene is unnecessary.

Bad breath deters zombies, and anyway, most people cant smell your breath behind the masks youre wearing.

Teo is adamant that Mama Lemon detergent is the only brand of detergent one should get.

Since shoppers like to hoard so many food items during an apocalypse, Mama Lemon is perfect for washing all the dishes used to hold the food cooked from hoarded items.

Canned food, Teo says is not essential. One should stock up on fresh meat instead, and hoard the more perishable items.

And anyway, most (millennial) survivors are unsure of how to use a can opener, so hoarding canned food simply wastes space.

One alternative option, he says, is to use the cans as projectile weapons

For anyone who has watched a zombie movie, we all know that caring for others will lead to your eventual death.

This is why, according to Teo, baby food is completely non-essential.

In the instruction videos on airline safety before the plane takes off, the narrator always instructs passengers to put on their oxygen mask before helping their child.

Same concept.

Its the end of the world, no one cares about fashion, or hygiene.

Laundry detergent is useless, just wear the same outfit everyday like the characters in The Walking Dead.

In all seriousness though, there is no need to panic-buy and hoard items. DORSCON Orange simply indicates that additional precautionary measures are put in place, such as temperature checks and visitor restrictions at hospitals.

Singaporeans should still go about their daily lives.

Stay calm, everyone.

You can view all of Teos survival tips here.

Top photo from Teo Hong Han / FB

See original here:
S'pore man shares satirical guide on how to survive 'zombie apocalypse' by being a smart hoarder - Mothership.sg

Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero